my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She needs sedatives and a leash
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
