Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
