I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Is Oprah even human
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
