I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
