You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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