i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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