In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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