I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
