I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
