Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
