I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
