I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
