Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
