Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
