3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
