My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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