the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
