I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
