I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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