You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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