Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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