Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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