so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
