my phone needs a breathalizer
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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