Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
There r osticjed everywhere
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
