We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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