Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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