i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize