I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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