I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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