im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
