So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
