I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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