Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
