Soap is not a condiment
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
ugly people sure do ruin things
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
