lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
