She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
