im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I wish there were birth control emojis
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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