Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
