you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
