Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
