the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
