What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
