Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
did i walk over a car last night?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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