i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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