Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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