Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
