Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
