I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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