uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
